With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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