Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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