Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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