You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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