Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
