i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
