Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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