adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
