I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
