I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she smelled like a LAN party
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
