Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
