Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
