Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
