Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
