If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
