Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
