It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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