I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
