one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
