Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He better not be in your backpack
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
