FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
