I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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