i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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