i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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