I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
