Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
