trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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