Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
