Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I will be naked everywhere
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
