last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
