omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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