I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
