Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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