no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
