i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
