We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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