covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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