Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
