Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
