You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
