mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
