I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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