Buhtt sex?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
