Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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