whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
