we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
