I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
