cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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