The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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