So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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