Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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