I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
